Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
