Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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