I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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