You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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