Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
