Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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