I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
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When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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