my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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