I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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