thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize