i just wanna soil my oats bro
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
