I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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