god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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