The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
