whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
