I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
