ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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