dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
