If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
