I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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