FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
