Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Rumble strips road head = magical
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
