Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
