She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
