Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
