She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
