I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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