I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
