Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
