I faked an abortion last night.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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