I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
