God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
