i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
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You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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