with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sorry about my life...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
