Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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