What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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