dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
