yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
