Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
