I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
