I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
