so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
