why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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