Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
