He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Gay?
German.
Pity.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
