u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
