My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
