good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
