So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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