But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today