You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities