She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
