I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
