Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
