did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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