it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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