can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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