Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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