She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
