I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
