and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
